It happened! 18 days into my 30 day challenge and I finally got lucid last night. Here’s what happened…
I was having a nightmare. Interestingly it wasn’t a chase dream like last time or any other physical fear that I was facing. It was almost like my dream was a physical representation of an emotional pain, an emotional fear. To me, this feeling is way more scary than other fears. So I realized, “this is too scary it must be a dream”, and boom I was lucid.
But as soon as I had the revelation that I was lucid, the old dream faded to blackness. I actually think I’ve gotten lucid a few more times this month without noticing because at this fade to blackness, I immediately woke up and so I didn’t really feel like I was “lucid”. I just thought I was waking up and remembering I had a dream. Today’s experience definitely made me notice the difference. Because today, I made the choice to dive back into this blackness instead of just accepting it as “the end of the dream” and waking up.
Since I knew I was in a very precarious situation, I thought to myself, “I need to stabilize the dream”, “focus on my hands”. I concentrated intently on this goal, willing my cupped hands to appear in my vision (the same way I sometimes look at them before I go to sleep). After a couple seconds of this, I could see the outline of my hands but everything was SO dark. It was like I was in a deep cave and there was a tiny bit of sunlight somewhere way out there, but it was so hard to see.
I think this is the point where I would usually try to figuratively open my eyes wider to see better in the dream, which in reality makes me open my eyes and causes me to wake up. Today, I tried a different approach that I read about in one of the lucid dreaming books I’m reading. Instead of using the “physical” dream body to do what I wanted (i.e. open my eyes), I commanded the puppeteer behind my dream to “turn on the lights”. Suddenly, everything was overwhelmingly bright. There was white light shining in on me from everywhere. I could now see that my cupped hands were directly in front of my computer screen, but I couldn’t see anything beyond the screen and wasn’t aware of anything behind or around me. This was probably my favorite moment of the entire dream because I’d never tried to “command” or “submit a request” to my dream before. And it actually worked!!! (To be honest, I’m really surprised that during my dream I even managed to remember reading about this.)
Behind my hands, my laptop screen was open to a new tab on google chrome. I have the plugin Momentum, which styles my new tabs in real life, and my dream new tab was made to match. I couldn’t have pointed out one difference if I tried. However, my cupped hands were still in front of my computer screen, so my view was somewhat obstructed.
Since my first request to my dream was granted so wonderfully, I decided to try again. I thought to the dream, “Show me something I need to see”. Suddenly, letters were being typed into the search bar of the tab. But since my hands were still cupped in front of the screen (1) it was kind of hard for me to see what was being typed and (2) I knew I wasn’t the one typing. I didn’t think it was a specific person though, more like this was my dream responding to my request. My view was very limited to a almost a 2D surface, like I was viewing a screen recording of my laptop screen, only with my hands superposed. I have been playing around with screen recordings in real life recently, so I find it really interesting that this manifested in my dream.
Since it was hard for me to see the words, I don’t remember the exact language, but what was typed into the search bar was something along the lines of “what should I do if I forgot to turn in my final exam and will my teacher accept it?” This was actually directly tied to the dream which prompted my lucidity before it got scary. To be honest, I remember feeling kind of disappointed upon seeing this question in my dream because it seemed, well… boring. This is what I needed to see? But my dream did not fail me because it pressed enter and the google results appeared. The screen began scrolling. It looked identical to google, which I guess shouldn’t be surprising since I google things quite often and am intimately familiar with the search results page.
However, in my dream, I saw that the first two search results were not what you would expect to see for a normal search. They were both in some form citations and/or sources from a person I know in real life. And I intuitively knew that all of the results were from this person, but I only explicitly remember seeing the first two. The sub-heading of the second result was “Person’s name: yes” and that’s it. I remember seeing this kind of freaked me out in my dream. I also got excited that I was lucid and I had made it this far. I knew excitement was dangerous to my lucidity and calmed myself down successfully, but not soon enough because I was having trouble seeing again. It wasn’t as dark as it was before, but my rectangle of vision was getting splotchy as black spots faded into view. Instead of asking for the lights to be turned on, this time I instinctively tried to open my eyes. Which of course, made me open my eyes in real life.. By the time I realized what was happening, I had just woken up and lost it.
This ending actually felt very familiar because I lost lucidity like this the last time I was lucid as well. At first, I was pretty disappointed that the dream was so short, but this was quickly overshadowed by excitement! I feel like this was exactly the boost I needed to keep the momentum going for my lucid dream project. Prior to today, I was actually starting to feel a little dip in my momentum after so many nights of failure, but now I’m excited again.
Plus, as I reflected on this dream and the dream that prompted my lucidity throughout the day, I started to realize how cool and important these dreams actually were. This taught me that I should trust the puppeteer of my dreams and not discount things because of initial appearances. I’m super excited to explore what is to come…